


looking back on my life, you're the only good i’ve ever done

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Callum Highway Week 2021, Childhood Friends, First Kiss, Hopeful Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Smut, Reunions, Self-Doubt, prison and separation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-28 15:54:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30141957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: prompts for callum highway week.tags to be added
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 17
Kudos: 92





	1. don’t say goodbye, just farewell

The sun shines and the day should be beautiful and warm, but everything feels dark. Everything is breaking around Callum and he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

What do you say to your best friend who is getting sent to jail for years? To the friend you won’t be able to see or speak to when you want to? To the friend you wish you’d confessed your love to before it got too late.

“What if we just go on the run?” Callum says hopefully as they lay on their backs and look up at the sky. “We just go, right now.”

He feels Ben sigh next to him, “we can’t, and I ain’t doing that to ya. It wouldn’t be any life to live, looking over our shoulders all the time.”

Callum covers his eyes with his arm, can feel the tears building. “I don’t know life without ya, Ben. The thought of ya been inside… it’s not right. I know ya and I know ya won’t be alright in there on ya own.”

Ben’s jaw tenses and he takes a deep breath. “It’s five years tops, Callum. I’ll get out on good behaviour and it’ll feel as though I’ve never been away.” He looks towards Callum, “ya can still visit… we can write to each other, phone calls. You can’t get rid of me that easily,” Ben teases, but Callum’s expression is one of sadness and worry. “It’ll be alright, I promise,” Ben whispers.

Ben was wrong to make promises.

*

Everything seemed to be ok for the first year. Callum would visit, they’d have phone calls and write to each other. It was all the things Ben had promised. It was better than nothing and Callum was beginning to get used to it. It was all they had; it was enough to get Callum by.

Until it wasn’t. Until it all stopped, and all contact was stopped.

Callum had to spend the rest of Ben’s time inside wondering and overthinking.

Callum was in his own prison.

*

It’s been nearly six years now and Callum can’t remember when his life stopped being revolved around Ben and all that he knew back then, but he grew to adapt and come to terms with what happened even though there was no sense behind Ben stopping all contact.

It’s been nearly six years now and Callum’s life seems to come to a halt at the sound of Ben’s name.

“What was that?” Callum interrupts Kathy and Ian in the café and Callum knows they didn’t realise he was close enough to hear by the way Kathy’s face falls.

Callum waits for an answer and when neither of them reply he pushes, “please tell me. _I still think about him_ ,” Callum breathes.

It aches to know Callum always has, despite telling himself he had forgotten all about him and what he meant to him then and now.

Kathy comes around the corner and smiles softly. “He’s home tomorrow,” she says slowly. “Welcome home party in the The Vic. It’s supposed to be a surprise,” she looks towards Ian worriedly.

“A surprise?” Callum scoffs, stumbling back slightly.

It’s more than a surprise, he had no idea and in less than 24 hours Ben is going to be back in the square.

Back in his life. His head.

His heart.

*

He thinks about not going, but the thought is fleeting, and he knows his heart will break all over again but it’s _Ben._ He’s going to be face to face with him again and no time apart can stop the way that makes something bloom inside of him.

Callum stands outside The Vic and the music from inside is loud and there’s laughter that seems to be everywhere. The party has already begun.

Ben is already in there.

When Callum walks in it doesn’t take long for him to find Ben. He’s hardly changed, his hair is slightly longer, and he looks a little muscular than before, but he always stood out from the crowd. He was always the only person Callum searched for in a crowded classroom, or now, in a crowded pub.

He struggles to catch his breath and he isn’t sure he’ll be able to even say a word, but he doesn’t have to. Ben turns around and Callum hopes it’s because he sensed him there, he looks regretful and shocked to see him.

Callum smiles slightly, despite it all, and Ben’s eyes travel up and down before he’s walking over to him.

They need to talk; Callum _needs_ to talk. To ask questions, but for now, he will wait.

Especially when Ben looks up into his eyes and pauses for a moment before coming in closer to wrap his arms around Callum’s neck in a hug.

Callum hugs him back and when Ben doesn’t let go, only holds him tighter, he knows that he’s missed him just as much but he’s back now and he won’t let Callum go again.

This is a promise that will be kept.


	2. i'm caught up by your smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i cant think straight around you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> day 2 of callum week  
> apologies in advance for how rushed this seems... it was. anyway hope you like!

Callum remembers the first time he met Ben. He had been in the square for a few weeks and of course he had heard about the Mitchell’s and _Ben._ They seemed to be the talk of the area, that they were this and that and none of what he heard seemed to be positive.

They must have been mistaken, Callum thought. They must have got them all wrong despite them knowing them a lot better. Especially Ben, who when he first saw Callum, gave him an almost shy smile that didn’t spread but his eyes seemed to light up and Callum couldn’t think straight for the rest of the day. It was unforgettable.

It also awoke something in Callum that he hadn’t felt since being in the army. He left the army and slept with a pretty girl who looked at Callum like he was the definition of good and perfection. It was a lie, sleeping with the girl was all a lie because he didn’t feel half of what he felt compared to secret moments with Chris. Just a _look_ was enough to have butterflies flying around in his belly.

He thought maybe Chris was the only one to make him feel like that, he hadn’t felt it since.

Ben’s smile proved him wrong.

*

Maybe Callum was asking for trouble when he offered to buy Ben a drink a few days later. Ben looked up at him as if he were amused, “very forward, I like it.”

Callum felt stupid for blushing, but he remained as tall as he could whilst wishing he’d had thought better of coming over in the first place. “Do ya want a drink or not, mate?”

Ben laughed then, tugging his lip with his teeth. “Mate? I don’t even know ya name and we are already mates?”

“Are ya always this… frustrating?” Callum blushed more, licking his lips.

Callum didn’t miss the lowering eyes from Ben at the action.

“I’ll have a pint,” Ben downed the rest of his glass before putting it in the direction of Callum, when Callum had hold of it, Ben didn’t let go, “and a packet of salt and vinegar. Please.”

Callum cleared his throat at Ben’s intense stare before pulling the glass from Ben’s hand and turning towards the bar.

Callum wasn’t sure what he was doing, it was just a bit of fun, right? It was about time Callum started enjoying himself, started doing what _he_ wanted.

It didn’t mean he was used to the heat rising at the back of his neck whilst waiting to be served, the feeling of having lingering eyes move up and down the back of him.

It felt satisfying and terrifying at the same time.

*

They drink and talk and drink some more, “I do know ya name by the way,” Callum tells him. “ _Ben Mitchell._ ”

“Yet ya still come over here? Ya must have a death wish,” Ben seems to lean back at the knowledge of Callum knowing who he already was.

“I don’t judge, I ain’t like that,” Callum looks at him closely. “Everyone deserves a chance.”

Ben scoffs, scratching the back of his head like Callum’s words make him feel awkward. “I ain’t like everyone else,” he finally looks up. “Everything ya heard was true.”

Callum shakes his head, downs the rest of his drink quickly before gesturing for Ben to do the same, “I don’t care,” Callum says, “nobody is perfect, be a bit boring if we were wouldn’t it?”

Ben doesn’t seem to believe it, but he lets Callum buy him another drink. And another. They go to different bars across East London and it’s nearly two in the morning when Callum even thinks about checking the time.

Ben’s grown closer along the night, there’s been touches and smiles that have caused a stir in Callum’s belly and in his trousers. They don’t last, Callum wants him _there_ all the time, he wants his eyes on him all the time. He wants so much too quickly. He wants more than he thinks Ben would willingly give him.

“We should be heading back,” Ben leans in close to shout over the music playing. “Some of us have got work tomorrow.”

Callum closes his eyes for a second at the rush of warm breath over his ear and neck before taking a step back to gather himself and he just nods. Once outside they walk the short distance to get a taxi and Callum can’t help but ask, “have ya had a nice night?”

Ben’s smile is one of fondness, “I have, yeah.”

Callum nods once, “that’s good,” he says. He knows he’s looking at Ben stupidly, but he can’t help but think about the way he’s been made to feel all night, how he feels now.

He leans down before he can think otherwise, and his lips catch the side of Ben’s. He kisses him lightly, brings a hand up to the side of his face. The angle is all wrong, but he’s too scared to move, the fear of rejection strong.

Callum feels Ben’s hand at his waist, fingers curling in his jacket and pulling. It’s encouragement and he takes it with both hands. He moves back before going in again, this time meeting Ben’s lips softly.

Callum moves back to try and figure out if this is alright, if Ben is ok with _this_. Ben’s head is tilted back, his eyes closed, and lips parted in wait, he moves back in for more before they’re falling back into a wall and the contact makes Ben humph and moan against Callum’s lips.

“Come back to mine,” Callum breathes heavily. He opens his eyes to see the uncertainty in Ben’s eyes. “Only if ya want to. Sorry-

“I want to,” Ben admits. “Of course, I want to. I just don’t know if it’s for the best.”

Callum swallows, shaking his head. “We both want it, so why wouldn’t it? It’s just- “

“I’ll break your heart Callum,” Ben places his hand over Callum’s chest. “You’re - you’re too good for someone like me. I ain’t going to brake ya.”

“You _won’t_ ,” Callum presses his forehead against Ben’s. “I know it seems like I’m rushing things and maybe I am, but I can’t… _I can’t think straight around you._ ”

“That’s funny,” Ben teases, a smile on both their lips but it’s gone again quickly. Ben clears his throat. “The minute I saw ya in the square I asked around about ya… you’re fucking _gorgeous,_ and I had to know, but I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve what you’re willing to give.”

Callum smiles at the knowledge Ben wanted to know who he was, was intrigued from the get-go. “I get to decide what I deserve, Ben. This between us could be nothing, but it could also be something amazing and I want to find out.” His thumb rubs gently across Ben’s cheek, “just give yourself a chance at happiness, nobody else matters.”

Ben presses into him, their bellies touching. “You’re that good with words you are almost making me believe ya.”

Callum laughs, “it’s because I’m right.” Callum can’t help but be surprised when Ben kisses him once, twice and then deepens it so Callum can open his mouth and put his tongue against Ben’s.

It’s a daze when they part, their hold on each other strong. “Is that a yes then? We take it one day at a time and as slowly as ya want…”

“Yeah. It’s a yes,” Ben nods, and Callum’s amazed that anyone could see anything other than what he sees in front of him now.

A man who is scared of being loved, but who would love in return just as much.


	3. i know you’re not mine, only borrowed

Ben calls and Callum goes running.

“He’s away for the night,” Ben had said. “Ya can stay the night, we can take our time… it’ll just be us.”

Callum grew sick of saying no a long time ago, but he’s not sure this is any easier. Getting drips and drabs of Ben when he just wants _all_ of him. He just wants him to be his, completely his and nobody else’s.

But he can’t deny himself the little moments. The small chances they get to be together when Lee isn’t around. When it’s just them, Ben makes Callum feel like he’s the only one.

And that’s why he’ll always come running, why he’ll watch over his shoulder, so nobody sees him knocking at Ben’s door like what they’re about to do is dangerous and damaging. The idea of being anywhere else when he could be here, isn’t one he thinks about.

He will always choose Ben. He will always choose Ben even if Ben can’t always choose him.

Ben’s smile is as affectious and as flirty as always when he answers the door, his feet barely inside before Ben’s all over him.

“I’ve missed you,” Ben sighs between kissing Callum’s neck. “These last few weeks have been hell without ya.”

Callum smiles, his cheeks growing red at Ben’s tone and the way his lips touch every inch of skin they can. “The pictures weren’t enough then?”

Ben takes a deep breath before moving away to look up at him, his usual blue eyes dark and intense. “The pictures were incredible,” he bites his lip. “Ya don’t realise what ya do to me, do ya?” Ben moves his hands under Callum’s t-shirt, his nails digging into soft flesh. “It’s just nothing’s as good as the real thing, is it? I’ve missed your voice, your touch, the way ya moan my name against my lips,” Ben licks his lips. “Your cock,” he lowers his hand to palm Callum through his jeans. “Let me show ya how much, eh?”

Callum nods silently, his breathing already heavy as they make their way to Ben’s bedroom. The guilt of sleeping with Ben in a bed that isn’t his died long ago. His clothes are removed quickly, and Callum looks down to find Ben on his knees, he sweeps his fingers through the back of Ben’s hair and it’s the final push before Ben’s lips cover his cock and his head moves back and forth.

*

Callum wakes with a stretch, an ache in his body that is proof of what he was getting up to earlier. It feels exhilarating until he’s stretching out his arm and Ben isn’t there.

 _Ben isn’t there_.

It makes him sit up in panic, their only time together in weeks and Ben isn’t next to him. _He’s had enough, he’s finally left._

Callum heads out of the bedroom with Ben’s dressing gown on and settles when he sees Ben sitting on the kitchen counter with a mug of coffee in his hands. Ben looks up at the sound, “what ya doing up?”

“You just left!” Callum flaps his arms wide, “I woke up and ya weren’t there.”

“You were sleeping, didn’t want to wake ya that’s all. I didn’t- I _wouldn’t_ leave ya.”

Callum softens a little, taking the small distance to Ben until he’s in between his legs. “What ya doing awake?” Callum’s hands rub up down the length of Ben’s thighs in comfort.

“Just thinking,” Ben bites his lip before taking Callum’s hands into his. “It’s not enough is it? You know what ya mean to me Callum, what you’ve always meant to me.”

“What ya saying?” Callum whispers, trying not to get his hopes up, especially when Ben looks at him so softly.

“I’m going to end it with Lee,” Ben nods, certain. “I want _you_ , only you. I want us to be together.”

Callum’s eyes widen in surprise before he’s covering Ben and kissing him and holding his head in his hands. “I’d like that,” Callum grins.


	4. i’m bad at love, but i believe we’re meant to be

_It will never work between us. We both want different things. You’re too good for me. We are better off as friends. We were just crossing paths. We should end things now before there’s tears and they won’t be mine Callum._

They were all things Ben had said to Callum when things started to turn serious. They had to work together, what they had was supposed to be no strings attached fun. They both knew it was just sex, that’s all it was ever meant to be.

Until Callum couldn’t keep a lid on his feelings and he was finding it harder to keep quiet about the way he was feeling. He tried, he _tried_ so hard to stop, but it was inevitable.

 _You had to go and ruin it, didn’t ya?_ Ben had said coldly when Callum couldn’t stay silent anymore, he didn’t want to hold it in because he hoped it wasn’t one sided. He’d kind of hoped he was the one who would win Ben’s heart and they’d make a go of things. He was foolish, Ben had made that clear.

*

Six months later and they are as civil as is possible when you are working with someone you were having sex with nearly every night, falling in love with and then having your hopes stamped over.

Callum keeps away as much as possible. He made sure to get a transfer to another team, so he didn’t have to face Ben every day. They’ll only say hi in passing and it’s never said with eye contact, Callum’s head always towards to floor.

A new guy starts, and Callum’s tasked with training and showing him the ropes. Two weeks in and Scott settles in well. He’s easy to talk to and gets praised for his hard work by the bosses.

Scott approaches Callum with a bashful smile, “should be thanking you really.”

“What for?” Callum asks, typing up an email.

“For being the perfect teacher,” Scott says, pulling a chair towards Callum’s desk so he can sit next to him. “Don’t think I would have done so well if it were anybody else.”

“Course ya would,” Callum stops to smile at him. “Give ya self some praise.”

“I’ll try,” Scott laughs a little, smoothing out his tie nervously. “Look, I was wondering, and it’s totally fine if you don’t want to, but do you fancy going for a drink sometime?”

“What? Just us?” Callum asks, a little surprised. It’s not as though his sexuality is a secret in the workplace, but he wasn’t expecting Scott to already know.

Scott nods, turning slightly until his knee knocks against Callum’s and they’re sharing a smile. “Just us,” Scott lowers his tone a little, his teeth pulling at loose skin on his bottom lip.

Callum feels a rush of something through his body, it feels good and Scott’s eyes on him are warm. He replies with “yeah, alright,” and he tries not to think back to when Ben first asked him out for a drink.

*

They decide on Saturday after work and Callum doesn’t know if it’s a sign or coincidence that Ben ends up where they are.

He’s with a few people he works with and Callum does everything he can not to ruin this by focusing on Ben the entire time they are here. He keeps himself busy by asking Scott question after question and he tries not to hope Ben sees Scott touch his thigh slightly, or the way they lean in to each other to speak.

He chances a look over and when he catches Ben already looking over their way, he knows Ben’s seen every little bit between them. It shouldn’t rile him up, but it does, it makes him purposely squeeze Scott’s arm as he excuses himself to the toilet.

He shouldn’t want Ben to follow him, but he knows he will and he’s barely stepped foot inside before he hears heavy footprints behind him.

“Who’s the blondie then?” Ben asks, hands hid away in the pockets of his leather jacket but Callum’s sure they’re balled up into fists.

Callum shouldn’t snigger, but he can’t help himself. Ben shouldn’t be getting to him so easily, not after all this time apart. “Not sure it’s any of your business.”

“Your boyfriend then?” Ben takes a few steps forward.

“Why, you’re not jealous, are you?” Ben smiles at the question and then he’s scratching the back of his head and Callum knows he’s right. He swallows against the fact, “ya don’t get to be jealous, Ben. Ya made your mind up about us. What I meant to ya… ya don’t want me, but nobody else can either, is that it?”

Ben shakes his head quickly. “I _never_ said I didn’t want ya.”

“Ya didn’t have to, everything else you said and did proved it,” Callum to lean against the wall, gain some space and control.

“I got scared, alright? The truth is I felt the same, I was falling for ya and it scared me, Cal. You… ya don’t see how good you are, how _lovely_ and special you are, and I know I’m a mess but I’m a bigger mess without you anymore.”

“You’re just saying this because you’ve seen that I’ve moved on,” Callum scoffed.

“I’m saying it because it’s _true_. I know I should have done this sooner, but seeing him and you out there? It’s enough now, Callum. I- I love you.”

Callum can’t believe what he’s hearing… surely not? Ben _loves_ him. Callum can’t resist the pull towards Ben, how easily he falls back into him, how everything quietens down once his hands caress his face. Callum silences Ben’s whispers of _sorry_ with kisses.

“We’ll be alright,” Callum breathes. “Everything will be alright.”


	5. please stay with me, don’t you let me go

Callum didn’t expect to find love in _here._ He was here to serve his time, keep his head down and get out as soon as his time was up or hopefully even before. That was still his goal, only now he felt he would be leaving a massive piece behind.

A piece that now belonged to his cell mate. Ben Mitchell.

It shouldn’t work, but it does. It just _happened._ They both needed each other, they just seemed to be _right_ for one another. There seemed to be no going back from this, they’d tried to stop, told themselves it wouldn’t work, maybe in another life it would be different, but it became unbearable to ignore what was between them. They had to act on it, Callum just didn’t expect it to be anything more.

He didn’t think it would be something he could see happening on the outside, but as the hours, days, nights and weeks went on, it became clear this wasn’t just a phase. It wasn’t just about having that bit of support next to you on the tough days, it was a connection that couldn’t be broken now or ever.

They’ve learnt to block out the shouts and loud noises from outside their prison cell door, it’s just them in these four walls. Callum holds Ben in his arms, his mumbling something Callum’s grown used to and fond of.

“Don’t go yet,” Ben groans in his sleep. “We- we haven’t had enough time yet… please Cal- “

“Hey, hey,” Callum gently shakes him awake, until Ben’s shooting up and rubbing his hands over his face. Callum rubs his back until his breathing calms down, “you alright?”

Ben nods in the darkness, tension tight in his shoulders. “Just a dream,” Ben clears his throat. “Go back to sleep babe.”

Callum can’t do that; Ben _knows_ he can’t. He sits up before moving Ben so he’s in front of him and Callum can sit behind him, his legs either side of Ben. Ben leans back into the warmth, his chest rising and falling slower as he begins to relax in Callum’s hold. “Did ya know you talk in your sleep?”

Ben bites his lip, “sorry, can’t get over the size of your cock, can I?

“Shut up,” Callum huffs, a small smile playing on his lips as his nose rubs across the back of his ear and hair. “I’m serious… you’re always saying stuff in your sleep and it’s always the same.”

“Like I said- “

“Ben, I’m not joking,” Callum pulls back. “Talk to me.”

Ben scratches at his eyebrow, his defences building. “I’ve already got a therapist Callum; I don’t need you an’ all.”

Callum licks his lips, tries not to be hurt by the way Ben closes up on him when talk of feelings comes up. “I ain’t trying to be your therapist, but I _am_ your boyfriend so don’t ya think I have the right to be worried about what’s going on inside ya head?” Callum kisses his temple, “I’m here for ya-

“Ya not though, are you?” Ben suddenly whispers. “You aren’t gonna be here much longer and I don’t think I can handle it.”

“That’s what the dreams are about? Me getting out of here?” Ben nods a little and Callum hates seeing Ben so small and fragile. He wraps his arms around his waist and tucks his face into Ben’s neck. “I ain’t going anywhere.”

Callum will get out of here one day, that’s his goal. But he isn’t going anywhere Ben isn’t.

Ben senses something, turns in Callum’s arms. “I don’t want ya doing anything that will risk your release date, do ya hear me? That’s not what I want. Just promise me you’ll wait for me just like I will you?”

He kisses Ben to reassure him, the thought of being apart stuck in his throat, but he swallows it down.

He’s the one who couldn’t handle being apart, there’s love here where there’s none outside. There’s comforting arms and a charming smile, Ben is here.

 _Everything_ is here.


End file.
